THESE ARE THE CONTINUING VOYAGES OF THE STARSHIP WRECK — ING — HU
HULU: Captain: shields at .91%.
CAPTAIN JERK: Mr. Snot. Damage Report.
SNOTTY: Anoothe hit like thaa, Captin, and we’ll lose Warped Drive.
CAPTAIN JERK: Cut off life-support to decks 2, 12 and 13. Reconfigure Turbo-Lift pathways according to pattern W.T.F. Reduce paper products and energy supply to the mens’ bathrooms by 85% and close all bathrooms in the library. Jettison ALL paper towels. Most importantly, reroute my anonymous blog through auxiliary power.
SNOTTY: Aye, Captin.
CAPTAIN JERK: Lieutenant Omanura, contact Kan and ask him what the ‘Guinness Device’ is … where is Lieutenant Omanura?
TICKOFF: She is having a wery ‘bad day,’ Keptin.
HULU: Captain, Kan is attempting to contact us. He says he is aware our shields are down to 1% and that all he really wants from us right now is the Guinness Device. Should I put him ‘on-screen?’
CAPTAIN JERK: No. Finally, I can see through Kan. I can see his weakness: he is thinking only three-dimensionally. If he can’t get the percentage of our shield strength correct, he can’t get anything right. Mr. Schlock, just what is the Guinness Device?
MR. SCHLOCK: In the 21st Century, the Harrisburg University of Science and Technology’s Food Safety Program developed a process whereby molecular structures of liquids could be reorganized on the subatomic level into other liquids of equal mass. However, over time, the matrices proved to be unstable and, thus, the reorganized matter reverted to its original structure ….
CAPTAIN JERK: You mean ….
MR. SCHLOCK: Yes. Initially one experiences the classic inebriating effect, but before the calories can be digested the unstable matrix reforms the beer into water thus eliminating both the caloric value and the ‘hang-over’ effect.
DR. MCGOO: You green-blooded, humorless microbial containment-sack. You’ve been holding out on us!
MR. SCHLOCK: On the contrary, Doctor. Of course, existence of the Device is known on Vulcan and the 1st and 14th decks. Logically, private schools such as the schools on Vulcan permit a superior student-teacher ratio and encourage students to explore, in a positive way, more than the mere basics ….
DR. MCGOO: Logic? He’s talking about ‘logic’ when all along we’ve been sitting on a gusher of beer! Liquid-gold. Pennsylvania-tea. Myth has it that the Earth was created in six days. Now we can create oceans of beer in six minutes! Of course, as fate would have it, Kan now intends to deprive us of this fountain of youth and, instead, create a professional environment where we will have to set and successfully accomplish goals. Give me the Klingons any day!
HULU: Captain, Kan is arming phasers.
CAPTAIN JERK: Mr. Hulu, fire-up my anonymous blog.
[TO BE CONTINUED.]